Ima stvarno predobrih!


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have
digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise
abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Centre, we
are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft
waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown
aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a
747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach,
I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a
solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate
the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last
known position?" Student: "When I was number one for
takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little
hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after
touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make
a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are
able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."

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There's a story about the
military pilot calling for a priority landing because
his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that
he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting
for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an
answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in
English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from
another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"

________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared
for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway." Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did
you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental
635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."

________________________________

One day the pilot of a
Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

________________________________

The German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan
Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and
slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know
where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground,
I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with
quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes,
twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

________________________________

While taxiing at London's
Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S.
Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are
you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US
Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S.
Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"***

al sam se nasmijao hehe. d best je The German air controllers

Do JAJA!!!
Najjači je ovaj kaj je bil dvaput u Frankfurtu... četr'est četvrte... i nije sljetao.
Franco nadmašio si samoga sebe! Daj još...

Prekojajno!
Bis, bis!

Only because you asked for it!

Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"

Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"

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True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has
recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA
XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing
approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to
expedite take-off for BA XXX:

Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?

BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly
this plane to Helsinki !
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ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
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(Heard on the radio - Really )
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
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Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Centre"

(pojašnjenje za one koji eventualno ne kuže: Flight level se izražava u stotinama feeta.
370 000 ft= 112 000 m.)

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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

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ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated

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Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination
Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

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A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form?"

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Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a
twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway.


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Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument
panel!"

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Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

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A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown
to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause

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Female terminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request:
"Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for
three weeks."

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727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360
in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

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Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."


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Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of
the centreline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"

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Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right
name you'd get a better response!"

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Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus
330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and
give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

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Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two
hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

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One day a radar controller did a mistake in sequencing the traffic for
landing, he let a Boeing 747 as number 2 behind a Cessna 172, as it
looks very wierd, the B747 started to get closer to the Cessna, the
controller instructed the captain of B747 to slow down 180 kts, captain
did comply, after a while the controller instructed again the B747 to
slow down to 160 knots, few moments later, the controller asked the
captain of B747 to slow down to 130 kts! the captain asked the controller:
Capt: do you know at which speed does 747 stall?
contrl: I'm sorry...no idea...you can ask the co-pilot !

While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange “Remove before flight” streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency:
“Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23.” No reply.
They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply.
Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that “the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio.”
The 130 pilot quickly replied, “Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?”